Love never fails

We started dating on 8th, got engaged on the 18th and married on another 18th – so the number 8 has been an integral part of our relationship.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 8th anniversary. I struggle to describe how it feels like the last 8 years have flown by at the speed of light, while it simultaneously feels like it was an entire lifetime that crept by like a snail crawling around a garden.

The number 8 has a significant meaning in many philosophies and cultures. The number 8 is seen as a symbol of abudance, prosperity and new beginnings. But the two symbolic meanings of 8 that means the most to us, and is the reason why it became our number, is related to it’s mathematical and biblical connotations.

In terms of maths the number 8 is a little bit of a spinoff in that on it’s side it is the symbol for infinity – meaning no matter what you try to do the symbol, it remains infinite. This has been the prayer, hope and goal for our relationship. And 8 years into our marriage and 18 years into our friendship, there is no denying that meaning continues to hold up.

The number 8 is throughout the Bible from numbers of people for a specific purpose or the number of days for a specific event. Ultimately, it signifies the resurrection of our hearts through Christ and how no matter what we go through there is hope for good through Him (Romans 8v28).

While most of what happened is good, there is also some things that can be placed solidly in the “bad” category. I wouldn’t want to change a single bit of it. All difficult times early on helped us grow our as a unit through good times that we were prepared and more than equipped to help us through the worst times.

We have no idea what the next 8 years and beyond will hold, but I’m excited to explore it with my best friend.

Win or lose?

With today being Cancer Survivor’s Day, I find myself reflecting on what it means to be a ‘survivor’, but also has my heart aching for those who hung their ‘survivor’ hats up for good…

I’ve never liked it when people say someone has “lost their battle against cancer.” I know no one who says that does so with malice. I just can’t help but wish for another term to better honour those who have passed without crediting cancer with a ‘win’.

Each of those warriors whose life was taken and who fought through pain, fear, uncertainty, and grief did not go through physical hell, only to be inadvertently labelled a ‘loser.’ Like it is somehow their own fault that their physical bodies was ravaged beyond repair by a relentless foe. They deserve more.

I choose to rather think of it like those warriors were promoted to a higher rank… A rank reserved for those who maxed out their fighting capabilities until they had no more to give. A higher rank that will serve as inspiration for those who are left behind and those who learnt from their journey. A higher rank where cancer lost its plot to steal and destroy everything good that came from a warrior’s journey.

It was time for them to retire from the battle, take their medal of honour, and find peace away from their battered earthly bodies. It does not and will not ever make them less of a warrior.

The boy who changed it all…

I’m a sucker for a good love story. Whether a rom-com film or an enemies-to-lovers story in an epic fantasy book, the warm and fuzzies don’t discriminate…

Having recently celebrated my fav human’s birthday, I could not help find myself reminiscing on everything we shared together.

It is not a story of love at first sight or a whirlwind tale of star-crossed lovers. It is a story of friendship that took years to be cultivated and to grow until such a time we were finally ready for each other. There were years of friendship, growth, heartbreak, frustration, and everything in between.

We met on an unremarkable day in high school. After all these years, we both still remember it.

We had a free period, and I was content with settling in to read in peace, which was a short-lived, when a tall, curly-haired boy confidently plonked himself down in the desk in front of me.

Despite how I tried to position the big-ass book, he didn’t get the hint. In fact, he picked that very same seat in most of the classes and situations we shared from thereon. And the rest, as they say, is history. We became best friends.

It was only much further into our friendship to figure out where it came from. It was the perfect combination of Jesus’ grace that stole his heart and the love of his parents who affirmed that love through his good and more challenging times. (The fact that he passed high school was 100% testimony of that – he had little interest in academics).

Our friendship wasn’t a walk in the park. It took literal YEARS for us to mature. We had to have our own hearts broken (and also sometimes do the heartbreaking) before we were ready for each other.

Looking back, I can pinpoint a thousand moments over the course of our friendship, where it looked like we would or should not have happened. We were pulled away from each multiple times, whether it be by other love interests or moving to study further in different cities.

But when it finally happened, it was undeniable – I just knew he was the one I was meant to spend this life with.

I am grateful for his relentless, verbal diarrhoea. It helped save me from myself so many times over. His confidence was (and still is) infectious and has helped me to be brave enough to do things I’d never done before or to make the most of even the hardest of times.

His ability to connect with almost anyone is unparalleled. That connection helped drill home that I was worth more and that I did not deserve the self-harm I inflicted on myself, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically.

His kindness and silliness are enough to bring a smile even when it feels like the mountain we are climbing is too big to scale.

I will never stop thanking God for our story. It’s one that will likely never make it to screen or print. But it will forever be my favourite and I love that we are still busy writing it…

Vulnerable

As of late I’ve been feeling… vulnerable about my health.

Suffering from migraines has chewed away at my mental health. Despite knowing it is not one’s fault, people have a way of making one feel like a burden without meaning to. There are very few people who understand a migraine is more than “just a headache”.

It doesn’t help there is nothing to offer as proof… No blood tests, scans or examination result that I can present as evidence of how debilitating an active migraine is or how tiring it is after the migraine attack has stopped. The migraine “hangover” is real.

The frequency and intensity of the pain coupled with constant nausea has worn me down to where I can only hold out a weak hand in a feeble attempt to ward off questioning glances and remarks. And where shots get fired, I can do nothing, but take them.

Just like a free dessert with my mega-sized meal that I didn’t order, but have to pay for, my social anxiety has gotten A LOT more intense too. I know people’s grace for each other is finite and I’m constantly worried that I’m on everyone’s last dose… I don’t want to be a burden.

All of this created the perfect storm that is now permanently raging inside my mind. So I’ve opted for the coward’s way – hiding away at home during the brief periods of respite which is becoming fewer and farther in between. I don’t have the energy to argue.

This road stands in stark contrast with my cancer journey. When diagnosed with cancer, it was immediately apparent what and where the problem was and how it could be treated. As hard as it was, at least we knew…

With migraines, EVERYTHING is trial and error. There are so many variables that could be triggering and exacerbating what is going on with the brain. The cause could be physical, nutritional, environmental, hormonal, stress or trauma. It’s like trying to hit a moving target on horseback while blindfolded and backwards. You shoot, hope for the best and if you miss, you get to start all over again. So now we are throwing everything at the wall and hoping that something sticks.

If we could just figure out what the cause is, we would know how manage it and I could get my life back.. But until then, I’m stuck.

Struggling

I would never have thought my biggest health struggle would turn out to not be the big C or the resulting hysterectomy and colo-rectal resection… surely my body could not betray me in a worse or more debilitating way?

I was wrong.  As traumatic as the cancer process was, I find myself in a game of tug-of-war with migraines.

For anyone who gets migraines, they would know it is truly something you “suffer” from and is extremely difficult to explain to anyone lucky enough to not get migraines.

My symptoms are nausea, light sensitivity, neck tension and the headache portion of predominantly on the left sides, but sometimes both.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been getting headaches & migraines. Headaches often. Migraines every couple of months. It sucked, but was manageable.

Over the last two years the frequency and intensity ramped up exponentially for some inexplicable reason. It’s reached the point where it is now a constant. It would last for days, be alleviated for a couple of hours and then come back.

I am frustrated and questioning everything I knew about my brain and body. I thought I had an idea of what my triggers are…

Anxiety and stress – when I get to the point where my anxiety or stress ticks over into a panic, a migraine followed soon after like clock work.

Hormones – when my ovaries checked out and we learnt I can’t take hormones due to the type of cancer, it got much much worse. So it seemed obvious.

But if these are the triggers, why can we not get it under control? What are we missing? After various doctors’ visits, we’ve not yet been found an effective way to manage it. Higher doses of anxiety meds. Changes in sleeping aids. Beta blockers. Vitamins. Physio. Not sure if I am just impatient… but nothing has helped yet.

Those around me have their own their own theories. Some of it reasonable enough, while others feel more like they are projecting their own health struggles onto me… Irrespective we are open to everyone’s suggest, hubby and I are exploring all the various options.

We are in the process of making appointments with various medical professionals. Starting with a diagnostic physician, hoping to rule out the potentially scarier causes such as tumors, cancer, etc..

Up next is appointment with psychologist. Hubby is convinced the migraines are a manifestation of anxiety from all the medical trauma and stress in general. This makes sense.

Also on the list is to get eyes tested. Dental check to deal with the rogue wisdom tooth that has reared it’s ugly head. Daith piercing.  Changing sleep and exercise routines. Improve eating habits. I’m willing to do anything short of actually removing my head from my body.

Surprisingly, my biggest fear is not it is cancer. I am more afraid we can’t find the source at all. I don’t know how I will manage this being what’s normal for me…

Growth

2023 was hard. I changed jobs… twice. I was hoping the change in environment would solve the anxiety and panic issues I was struggling with and help to relieve debilitating migraines I was suffering from.

In retrospect, it was like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound – not really properly addressing the root of the problem. Anxiety and panic may be play a huge part in it, is clearly not the only trigger for the lovely migraine attacks I am experiencing.

That being said, I am happy I moved away from audit – those types of deadlines definitely played a part in sustaining high levels of anxiety and causing frequent panic attacks. But it wasn’t the magical cure.

It did help me realise how lax I became in one of the areas crucial to protecting one’s own mental health. As I was sucked down the whirlpool of unrealistic deadlines and unreasonable expectations, I lost sight of my boundaries.

Boundaries, I put in place myself, I would just hop right on over in an attempt to prove myself in an unsustainable way. I don’t know why I tried to force myself back into the auditor mould when I knew I had long since outgrown it.

It took some stern words from some wise people to help me see that despite my experience being mostly audit-related, it was not worth staying in the profession if it was hindering me from living.

Hindsight is 20-20 though. As much as I love the audit standards and processes and the dopemine that comes from signing of sections in such a satisfying. That love did not make up for how intensely doing that kind work had eaten into my passion.

Somewhere along the way, the part of my soul that loves to add value to clients and my firm had eclipsed my love for auditing. Audit is not the most practical way to add-value to a client’s business as it consists of assessing historic financial information rather than a realtime look at their business… it was time to let go.

The thing with growth is that it’s not all bad… i wouldn’t be as good an accountant had I not been an auditor first. (Ps. Some habits die hard… the urge to audit is real.)

I also met the most amazing people along the way that helped to reshape and reaffirm where my career was going, what sets my professional heart on fire and what needs to be done to protect my mental health.

2024 has not been a cakewalk so far, but I can’t  discount how much I love learning new things, growing in different areas and being able to add value in real-time.

Now if I could just get these freaking migraines under control that would be great… The process of learning the triggers is long, but I know eventually we’ll figure it out.

Change is as good as a rest?

I never really understood what people meant when they said: change is as good a rest or a holiday.

I’m fairly good at a adapting in the moment to a sporadic change. But big life changes causes me so much anxiety. I like to know a process or an outcome, so I can be sure I am properly prepared to do it well.

My high school science teacher used to say: “operating under a small amount of pressure is good” – and I still believe that. A manageable amount of stress is what normally challenges me to do my best.

After being diagnosed and going through treatment / recovery, returning to whatever felt “normal” pre-diagnosis was strange and overwhelming.

I was worried the journey had broken the part of me that excelled under pressure… it took me a good couple of months to realise I had it wrong. I found myself reverting back to pushing myself past burn-out in an effort to keep all the balls in the air and pushing myself further still when realising I started dropping things. I was accustomed to punishing myself for “weakness” without assessing whether or not I was juggling too many balls to begin with.

No part of me was broken – it’s not so much me not being able to handle the pressure. It’s more the journey of recovery making me much more aware of when I reached my limits and needed to step back, assess / recalibrate and make a change.

The prospect of changing jobs freaked me out so much that for the longest time I didn’t too seriously consider it. And the period leading up the last day with the old firm and getting started with the new firm was daunting and stressful, and I questioned myself every step of the way…

But, now that the “unkown” element of it has passed, turns out the change that I feared so much actually came with the good kind of stress or pressure.

The kind of pressure where I’m challenged enough to adapt, learn and be creative with the tasks in front of me… but the pressure isn’t coupled paralysing anxiety.

I do now understand why “change is as good as rest”. It forced me to take a step back and look at what I’m carrying, re-arrange or drop some of the burden, and take up a new load with strength. It helped me to remember to put down some items I am struggling with by myself and to delegate where necessary – not for my own sake, but to also cultivate growth in others. It challenged me to move from my comfort zone and shift boundaries around a bit.

It’s still early days and I have a lot to learn. But I’m energised and content that whatever comes, I can and will handle. If I could kick the big C’s ass, I definitely have the capacity to prosper in this season.

If cancer had a face…

If cancer had a face and it was there for tired souls’ depart, would the sobs of those behind soften it’s heart?

If cancer had a face and share the suffering of all the you ones, would it see each as a trophy that it owns?

If cancer had a face and it witnessed our fears, would it’s eyes be full of tears?

If cancer had a face and it could meet every single warrior, could it still feign standing superior?

If cancer had a face and it had to walk in our shoes, could it – for our benefit – allow itself to lose?

If cancer had a face and I showed it every single scar, would it weep and fall apart?

If cancer had a face and it felt paralysed to the point of inaction, could I forgive it and show it compassion?

If cancer had a face and it had a choice to erase, would the world be a different place?

All things come to an end

Yesterday marked the end of an era for me – it was my very last day of working for my previous employer.

It was an weighted decision that came after many prayers and internal debates.

I had walked those halls for eight years… Some of my biggest battles and also even bigger victories happened during those years.

During those years I also started dating, became engaged and married my best friend. We love authentically and fiercely every single day, and I’m grateful for it.

I have discovered some friendship and sisterhood with a variety of beautiful ladies that I won’t trade for anything in the world. Although we all find ourselves in various different stages of life, our bond and love for each other has grown from strength to strength.

I obtained both my undergraduate degree and postgraduate diplomas. I also finished my training contract in auditing and assurance. In hand with those acheivements I also discovered a wealth of invaluable skills and knowledge. The years have opened my eyes to how wide accounting / auditing field really is. Contrary to popular believe there can is never be dull moment…

There were many tears throughout many uncertain times such as finishing articles, moving into new positions, collaborating with different departments, facing a pandemic and kicking cancer’s butt.

The tears were mostly far between times of abundant laughter, camaraderie and bonds being cultivated daily. When one of us was down, there is always a shoulder to cry on and always someone to relate to.

I loved being challenged to learn new things, but also learning what my limits are, and that it is perfectly fine to respect those limits. Rest is necessary and change is good.

I walked in the door on 4 January 2014, reserved and insecure girl who had no idea what her worth is or what exactly she wanted out of her life – she was just driven to do her best and see what God would do next. And, man, did He come through in an infinite number of ways.

I walked out on 30 January 2023 a confident and grateful woman who knows who I am and what I can do.

It doesn’t mean there won’t still be tears or insecure days. But I know when those days come, they won’t last forever. If Jesus carried me through one storm, He won’t hesitate to lead me through the next.

My sadness about leaving the proverbial nest is eclipsed by my excitement for what this new season holds! New challenges, new employers and new colleagues.

To the MEL fam, I leave behind for new adventure… it’s not goodbye at all. It’s “see you around”.

It’s not me… it’s my hormones.

I recently had my usual check ups done – still no sign of recurrence!! We did learn that my ovaries are no longer producing enough estrogen, which is par for the course if I’m honest. My body keeps finding fun ways of surprising me with new things to deal with.

I, not really being super interested in biology at any time during my education, did not know how, and also why, estrogen imperative it is for a woman’s general wellbeing. Without my body producing all the natural goodies it needs, I basically went into early menopause.

The side effects of “menopause” I was experiencing up until now were mainly hot flushes and night sweats. Those were also the only ones I knew of and were starting to get used to, both of which occur intensely and at random. I always wondered: how bad hot flushes could really be? Answer: they suck!

It is the longer term side effects of lack of hormones, however, that are scarier and more surprising. Instead of expecting the bone and cardiovascular issues to start in my 60s and 70s after I would have gone into menopause naturally in during my 50s. The lack of naturally produced hormones could potentially cause those same issues occuring 20 years too early, during my 40s and 50s…

I keep learning about the delicate orbit in which the body operates. One little bump and it goes off course and careening into space.

In addition to the physical side effects there are also bouts of major insomnia that became longer and longer. It was surprising to learn that that was likely also related to the lack of hormones. I was a relief for my sleep deprived mind to know that it was not a result of the sleep regulating part of brain being permanently damaged by treatment or trauma had permanently damaged.

Since my ovaries failed to do their intended job… I am now on hormone replacements to rectify my wonky internal calendar.

Going onto hormone replacements is not as arduous of a journey as I anticipated. A checkup. Some blood tests. A consultation. A doctor’s script. And now I am on my first course of hormones.

Hormone replacement was one of my backburner fears on this tandem ride with cancer. I heard, or more read, some horrible tales of hormone replacement – especially relating to breast cancer. Since I had already had one type of cancer, I was petrified of changing anything thinking it could automatically trigger another type of cancer. I know that isn’t how it works, but cancer is so unpredictable and that is just where my mind goes now. And also I already lost a part of my physical “womanhood”, for lack of a better term, I don’t know if I can handle losing more…

Thankfully, the type of cancer my biology had picked to wrestle with is generally not the type that goes to breast cancer. It doesn’t mean I am magically immune to it, more that the hormone replacement is less likely to cause breast cancer.

Hormone patches specifically. After a good chat with the doc about the options and hearing about the pros and cons of all. I felt at ease that patches were the best starting point.

I’m a little over a month in and so far so good. The hot flushes and night sweats have improved significantly. I am sleeping much better and more consistently, which I am thankful for. I’m hopeful that it will continue on this upward trajectory as my body adjusts and settles.