Vulnerable

As of late I’ve been feeling… vulnerable about my health.

Suffering from migraines has chewed away at my mental health. Despite knowing it is not one’s fault, people have a way of making one feel like a burden without meaning to. There are very few people who understand a migraine is more than “just a headache”.

It doesn’t help there is nothing to offer as proof… No blood tests, scans or examination result that I can present as evidence of how debilitating an active migraine is or how tiring it is after the migraine attack has stopped. The migraine “hangover” is real.

The frequency and intensity of the pain coupled with constant nausea has worn me down to where I can only hold out a weak hand in a feeble attempt to ward off questioning glances and remarks. And where shots get fired, I can do nothing, but take them.

Just like a free dessert with my mega-sized meal that I didn’t order, but have to pay for, my social anxiety has gotten A LOT more intense too. I know people’s grace for each other is finite and I’m constantly worried that I’m on everyone’s last dose… I don’t want to be a burden.

All of this created the perfect storm that is now permanently raging inside my mind. So I’ve opted for the coward’s way – hiding away at home during the brief periods of respite which is becoming fewer and farther in between. I don’t have the energy to argue.

This road stands in stark contrast with my cancer journey. When diagnosed with cancer, it was immediately apparent what and where the problem was and how it could be treated. As hard as it was, at least we knew…

With migraines, EVERYTHING is trial and error. There are so many variables that could be triggering and exacerbating what is going on with the brain. The cause could be physical, nutritional, environmental, hormonal, stress or trauma. It’s like trying to hit a moving target on horseback while blindfolded and backwards. You shoot, hope for the best and if you miss, you get to start all over again. So now we are throwing everything at the wall and hoping that something sticks.

If we could just figure out what the cause is, we would know how manage it and I could get my life back.. But until then, I’m stuck.