Struggling

I recently learnt something, that I wish I could unlearn, about a couple of people whom I thought I’d become close to…

It wasn’t a shocking revelation or even surprising really.  But still, the wave of shock managed to wash away the thin veil of the benefit of the doubt that kept long-held suspicions neatly from the observing eyes.

I blew through the first stage of grief and crashed solidly into the wall of anger.

Some would call it righteous indignation, and they would probably be correct. But the thing with righteousness is you can only really call yourself righteous if you’re blameless and without sin – which I most definitely am not.

But why do I find myself this angry? Is it really just because I know what they are doing is wrong? Or is my anger a symptom of a subconscious struggle I wasn’t necessarily aware of.

Turns out, it wouldn’t be long before the Holy Spirit drew back the curtain to show me the bigger picture.

Yes, I am angry because what they are doing is wrong, and they know it. The blatant disrespect is astounding.

But the thicket of anger that is rapidly spreading also comes from:

1. A sprout of recognition of a part of myself that I still struggle to forgive and forget. A young women who thinks that she knows best when life still has many lessons to teach her before she can really even understand what “best” means.

2. A seed that people can so flippantly take shortcuts to circumvent very important milestones of commitment without realising why the longer route is necessary to build and understand the significance of each milestone.

3. Deep roots of cynicism that what is done in the dark may never come to light until it is much too late to prevent disaster.

4. A hundred cuts from the thorny branches that are a constant reminder that sometimes those who come to love and respect the purpose of God’s design for relationships, will still be forever robbed of the opportunity to achieve some of those milestones.

I am thankful that learning this thing revealed a portion of my heart and thoughts that I need to actively Jesus to work through and help me heal.

My logical mind knows that He has other things in store for us, but sometimes my crown still slips, my vulnerable heart still aches and insecurity still creeps into my thoughts.