Scanxiety

This month is check-up month and the scanxiety is real.

I find it much easier to not worry about the outcome when the appointments are still a couple of months away. “Out of sight, out of mind,” as the saying goes.

But once the notifications become visible in my calendar, the little gremlin of fear starts tugging at my ear…

What if, much like the first diagnosis, the “nothing” is actually something? Am I mentally and emotionally ready to go through a cycle of treeatment again? What if it’s inoperable? What if it requires chemo? Will I be redeployed as part of the earthly warriors who are fighting with their bodies again? Or could this check-up be the start of my journey to being promoted to the rank of warrior-in-heaven?

After 3 years of hopping onto this rollercoaster for a quarterly ride, I’m thankful to only return to it every six months now – eventhough it feels like yesterday that the bloods, scan and examination came back with “no evidence of recurrence”.

But the thing with cancer is how unpredictable it is. It can come back without much warning and it can be anywhere. So for now, I’m counting down the days until we know for sure whether or not the whirlpool in the pit of my stomach is founded or not… only 14 days.