For the last couple of months I have been grappling with some pretty big self-doubts. Having survived and conquered the cancer mountain has left me feeling like I am operating in existential limbo. Everything has returned to a relative state of normalcy, but I no longer feel normal.
With everything that changed, I don’t seem to fit in any of the roles my former self were comfortable in, and I find it hard adjusting to new ones that I thought I already embraced.
I used to be confident and comfortable in my role as accounting manager / audit supervisor, but I don’t feel like I no longer deserve either of those titles. Since day one I have worked hard to do my very best. But have the long months of working only part time and living and breathing doctors appointments and treatment / recovery plans somehow stolen my professional experience and abilities?
Much like my professional insecurity, I have an educational one as well. I am a part-time student working towards my second post grad diploma on my arduous journey to becoming a CA. But have the months of resting and recuperating stolen my abilities to take in and apply the information learnt?
I persevered through a horror year after a terrifying diagnosis that resulted in my kicking cancer’s butt. But am I worthy of being called a cancer-survivor when the doctors, who performed the surgeries, and the medical staff, who facilitated the treatment plans, are the ones who did the “work”?
I recovered from the crazy surgery where cancer being removed resulted in my being sterile. I knew what it meant when we went ahead with the surgery. I know fundamentally nothing has changed about my person. But has the removal of that small organ somehow made me less of a woman seeing that I no longer have periods and can’t bear my own babies?
I am wondering if these kinds of feelings are “normal” for everyone who has lived through a trauma, or just faulty wiring in my own mental faculties? And there aren’t many opportunities to bring the subject up… How do you even go about talking about it in an everyday social setting… “Hey, how’s the family? Experienced any traumatic events lately that are causing you to question who you are in every aspect of your life? No? Just me? Cool…” (Awkwardly sips coffee while crickets amplifies the silence).
The transition back to how everyday life was before cancer happened without big fan fare, but it feels different. And I guess, that kind of makes sense – I have changed. It’s like a continuous battle between heart and head. In my heart I know that I still am an accountant, auditor, CA in the making, woman and cancer survivor, but sometimes my head is just like: “nope, not you. You’re none of those things anymore”.
After spending so long in a state of recovery and waiting I have become super accustomed to watching other people functioning in their lives. Watching colleagues who slay everything they do without realising how much I admire them for it. Watching friends (enviously at times) who are much better at balancing their work / study lives than I am currently. Watching mommies all around me who have deeply touched me by how naturally they function as mothers. Watching girlfriends who embody womanhood without looking like they are giving it any sort of thought. Watching cancer, ostomy and other health affected warriors of all ages who have gone through chemo, surgeries, radiation, treatments and recoveries who seem like they are so much stronger than me.
Please don’t get me wrong I am INCREDIBLY grateful for everything I have endured and survived and that things have returned to a relative state of normality. I love my job, I love the challenge of studying, I love doing life with hubby, friends and family. And I’m happy to not be living only for doctor’s visits and waiting in between treatment phases.
I guess I’m just amazed at how complex human beings are. We can endure and survive so much, but you never really know how something is going to ultimately affect you or when the effects are going to “hit home”.
I can’t pinpoint where the strange second-guessing originated, or more, the moment I subconsciously started nurturing it. Now that I am aware of it, I’m saddled with the mammoth task of working through them – resulting in internal debates that can carry on for hours and sometimes even keep me up at night… sigh.
Reigning in and tempering these thoughts and worries are yet another tangent journey I have embarked on because of stupid cancer. I don’t know exactly how to tackle conquering these doubts yet or how long it is going to take, but I do know that eventually confidence in all my various roles will be restored (and stronger than before) and a level of acceptance of all the new parts of me will be reached. Watch this space.
Shattered Warrior 